zondag 29 juli 2012

We must be killers, children of the wild ones

Soo... It's been a while.
I just didn't have the time to post, and if I had, I was more in the mood to be on tumblr or 9gag for instance, and to be quite honest, I forgot to allot too x]
A bunch of things has happened...
I graduated, the first season of LOK is finished (and 3 more are coming c:), me and ex-bf had more than enough drama's, I went on vacation to Italy (will make a individual post about that), I lost a friend, I gained some friends, I restored contact with friends from the past (but where our friendship went horribly wrong), I'm still looking for a place to be an aupair abroad upcoming year, I started watching 'Teen Wolf' (an awesome tv program c:), I felt happy allot, but also felt miserable some times (which I hate, because it's not like me to feel bad), I found some new good music (and shared that with one of my best friends c:).

But now, I just feel empty. I feel like a few years back. Like life's a blur.
I was so glad that I started to live day by day again (thanks to one of my best friends, Kim) 2 years back. But for some reason, the blur is back. It's like I can't focus.
I always had trouble focussing. But I never worried about it, I always thought it was quite handy, not having to care about allot. About nearly nothing. Easily surpressing anything that went wrong, every feeling that was negative, and just live in this nice blur, where everything was good and fine, or nothing at all. At least no negative feelings. And most of the times I surpressed things unknowingly.
But lately it's starting to worry me. Is it healthy to surpess everything so easily? I've been told not.
But the blur is back, and at one side I'm happy about it. I don't have to care about Tariq (ex-bf) for instance. I don't care about him, nor his feelings. But strangely I'm still drawn to him. I still love him. I shouldn't, I have every reason to hate him, and I do, but I also feel this strange dearness to him. But I feel cold.
The only ones I care about now are my best friends. And Bello.
I just find it hard to focus. Why can't I focus? I'm so incredibly easily distracted. And other times I'm just in a whole other place. I'm not aware of the things happening around me. When I am, I notice every detail, every prop in the background, every nervous eyetwitch, doesn't matter how slightly, shifts in bodylanguage if I say something, or when they say something. I observe. That I can do. I'm aware of every detail, notice things most people don't.
But I'm lost in my own thoughts allot lately. Always had that, that my mind wandered of to other places, memories or people. But it happens more and more lately.
The blur came back once I started dating Tariq. People worried about me, and later told me they actually saw the light disappearing from my eyes. I cut him out of my life when he told me he kissed some brat. But he found his way back in. And the blur is back again. But a different blur now, it's cold. I'm cold.
It's not like I can't enjoy myself anymore, not that I'm depressed or something, no, quite the contrary. But I would be lying if I said I'm happy all the time. Which sucks, because in the past, I used to be happy all the time. I want to be that girl again. I was again when I cut Tariq out of my life. But the blur reappeared when he did. Should I banish him from my life, my mind, my thoughts, my dreams again? I should, but I know it would only be a matter of time before he would be back again. He's sick. Sick and twisted, and the only thing he does is playing with my feelings. Fucking with my feelings. But somehow, in that sick mind of his, in that twisted brain of his, he manages to love me unconditionally. And for some reason, so do I. And I also feel like I'm kind of obligated to stay in his life. I feel kind of responsible. For what? For his sanity? I'm pretty sure he'll manage without me. But he has next to no one besides me. At least, that's how he feels about it. But to be honest, he did scare most of his friends away.
I just don't know what to do, and I can't bring up the feeling of caring enough to find a solution at the moment.
Hmm, well, we'll see.

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Btw; I'm in love with Stiles Stilinski from Teen Wolf, and I can't wait until the next episode comes out tomorrow c: I don't know for sure, but I think it's the season finale ;o
Stiles <3

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